Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

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Short Really Funny Jokes Biography

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote...

"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead".


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?

"Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."


"Hello, And Welcome"........

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
....Thank you!


"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

"But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

"Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

"Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?"

"One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal !"


In a Podiatrist's office:
 "Time wounds all heels."

At a Tyre Retailer:
 "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
 "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On a Maternity Room door:
 "Push. Push. Push."

On a Fence:
 "Salesmen welcomed! Dog food is expensive."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
 "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
 "Drive carefully. We'll wait."


actual call centre conversations :

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'


Caller(enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):

'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'


Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.


Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

'Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'


Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?


There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know why they record these conversations!.....)

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing?'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

Caller: 'No.

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

 Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!


True.......

A pair of robbers entered a music shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

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Short Really Funny Jokes Biography

Dick (explicit)
Hot 3 months agoby
IKICKASS

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice fuking bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A smart blonde, a blonde, and santa...
Hot 3 months ago

A smart blonde, a blonde, and a Santa Clause jumped off a bridge at the same time. which one hit the ground first?

The blonde! The other two don't exist!
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Santa's Dream
Hot 2 months ago

Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Santa: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Santa: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Santa: It said "Pull"
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Who'll get the job??
Hot 2 months ago

4 men - a Marathi, Bengali, Gujrati and our Santa were being interviewed for a top job. With nothing to choose between them, the President told them over dinner that the decisive test would be carried out the following morning, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job.
The next morning, first up was the Marathi. "Here's your question," said the President, "What's the fastest thing in the world?"
Without hesitation, he replied "A thought, because it takes no time at all."
"Very good answer," said the President.
Next up was the Gujrati, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.
"A blink," replied the Texan almost instantaneously, "cos you don't think about a blink. It's a reflex."
"Good answer," replied the president.
Next was the Bengali, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.
The Bengali thought for a moment, "Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately."
"That's a great answer," replied the president.
Finally, it was our Santa's turn. "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.
Scratching his head Santa replied: "Diarrhoea, because last night after dinner I was lying on my bed when I got these awful stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light... "

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
To: Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list!
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Heck, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
6. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
7. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
8. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new barbie for next Christmas.
It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
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'Twas The Night Before Christmas
Hot 1 year ago

'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of
Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
And On The Wall Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.
ith Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sobering Thought
Came To My Mind.
For This House Was Different,
So Dark And So Dreary,
The Home Of A Warrior,
Now I Could See Clearly.
The Warrior Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States warrior.
Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults

Short Really Funny Jokes  Really Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty For Kids to tell at school for kids for teenagers for adults